"If you're going to be two-faced at least make one of them pretty"

If you're going to be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's"

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's..

That's because she changes it more often.

"The government hates competition"

Don't steal

Don't lie

Don't cheat

Don't sell drugs.

The government hates competition.

"That awkward moment"

that awkward moment when you wake up with one sock on.

"Marriage is like going to the restaurant"

Marriage is like going to the restaurant and order your choice from the menu,

and then look at neighbouring table and wish you'd ordered that.

"For men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen'

For men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen,

remember that's where the knives are kept.

"Nothing moves faster than a girl"

Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself

from an ugly picture.

"Never look back unless there's an attractive stranger behind you"

Never look back unless there's an attractive stranger behind you!